Sex, Don't Talk About it, Toobah Toobah

Peace Be Upon You Readers,

Sex is such a taboo subject in our homes and society whereas in the Quran it is openly discussed. The do’s and don’ts have been explained, and the religious implications are all there in black and white. When there is no communication gap between God and us, then why the hesitation between a parent and their child? It’s written in the Quran so that we can teach it to our kids. For a real change to come, we must be conscious of our religious and moral obligations in society and apply them in our lives.

sex education

The Quran is not conservative about it, and the Entertainment industry is not prudent about it. The younger generation is very acceptable about it, then why should parents be reluctant to talk about it? If kids can’t get the right information out of you, guess where it’s coming from and how much it’s brain washing them? They need to be taught religious and moral implications by their parents before they get their information from anywhere else.

Parents need to realize that kids have found a thousand new ways to hide their secrets. Everything is at the tip of their fingers. There are no bans on any explicit content anymore. The youth is susceptible to hyper sexuality and will soon accept this as a norm (which it’s becoming one).  They probably know more than you, but what they don’t know is why their body is reacting this way and how to curb those hormones in an appropriate manner. Therefore, the parents need to be the first in line to talk them about sex.

Dating

In our society, you can turn a blind eye to the dating culture as much as you want but it’s not going anywhere. No one cares about your toobah toobah because frustrated boys are looking for an outlet, and that’s all they want. There are only two types of girls they are looking for. One who is ready to give them what they want and two the most vulnerable girl they can find and exploit them by persuasion . The former is consensual rape, and the latter is forced consensual rape. In the end boys get what they want by hook or by crook.

People say educate your boys but education is not going to make any difference . The west is plenty educated, India has a literacy rate of 75% and rape is still prevalent in these places. Does societal status or profession matter? No. What matters is teaching our children moral values and most importantly balance and control in everything they do. Sex education is no different.

Parents need to instill the same kind of fear in their boys as they do in their girls. Like I said in the previous article, it’s a two-way street. Teach your boys some self-control and make them understand why their raging hormones are trying to take over and how should they resist their temptations. If your boys don’t know how to do that and are not taught that, then perhaps they are the ones who should be closed behind four walls, not girls. Its men that are posing a danger to society not women.

When your child hits puberty, it does not mean they are becoming mature or more sumjhedaar. It means now, more than ever, parents need to have a nose of bloodhound dog, the sight of a hawk and sharp instincts that alert them to the new changes. When parents refuse to recognize the magnitude of their responsibilities regarding the upbringing of their children, then they release ill-equipped, ill-informed, ill-mannered people into society to corrupt it even more than it is.

Tips and Tricks

boy watching iPad

Tech Advice

  1. Check their Google or YouTube history
  2. If they are young kids, then every phone and laptop should have parental settings. YouTube “How to put parental controls on…”
  3. Put passwords where ever necessary.
  4. Instead of getting laptops for everyone. Buy a desktop and put it in a family room.
  5. Watch movies and shows with them and make sure they are appropriate to their age. F.Y.I Game of Thrones is highly inappropriate even for adults, but that’s just me
  6. The same goes for Video Games. Grand Theft Auto, Call of Duty, Resident Evil, etc. are highly addictive and have proven to affect minds in violent ways. Please do your research and find out which games are appropriate for your child and again do not let them play it, especially alone.
  7. I’m not sure about other companies, but iPhone has an option to make family accounts, and so a parent can check what apps, movies, and music were purchased.
  8. I would highly suggest families with teens, using one desktop, one phone or one iPad until kids understand how to responsibly use such devices.
  9. Every kid has a tablet now a days, but it’s use should be extremely limited. For my kids, I allow them to use their iPads for three hours over the weekend only after they have done their homework and have read two books.
  10. For younger kids, make sure they are only using YouTube Kids and always check their history.
  11. Make time to watch movies with them and fast forward through explicit scenes, even a  kiss.

Non-Tech Advice.

  1. Once in a while, drop them off where they have agreed to meet their friends and hang back to see what they do next.
  2. Check their behavior when you ask for their phones or borrow their laptops.
  3. If there is no need, bedroom doors should not be closed.
  4. No TV’s in the bedroom.
  5. Yes, it’s a huge undertaking, but you need to be one step ahead of them. Check where they are going, what they are doing and who they’re meeting.
  6. Until they have not earned your trust, they don’t get their independence. If they have broken it once or twice, take away their privileges. Their phone, their car, their laptop or whatever they love. There is no need to hit, beat, fight or yell. It’s a simple rule that both, a parent and child have to follow. You break the rule; you get an unpleasant consequence. If they like to kick up a storm, let them.
  7. Always follow through with punishments and don’t be lenient midway.
  8. If your child cannot talk to a friend, play a game or watch a movie in front of you, then they are doing something inappropriate. Be aware of it and follow through. Never ignore.
  9. If you are working parents, then someone else might be watching over them. Make sure that person is vigilant and reports back to you.
  10. Be a cop. Ask siblings to watch over one another and ask each of them separately about what the other did. If the stories don’t match then you need to do some snooping around. Even if they do try to get their stories right, eventually it will come to a point where one won’t be able to keep up with so many lies and slip up.
  11. For younger kids, teach them about the uncomfortable touch. There are numerous articles on it, so I will not delve into that. But for parents I would like to say, please stop caring about what society is going to think. God didn’t entrust them with your child; it’s you. The responsibility of protecting them lies with you. Whoever that culprit is, bring him out, expose and shame him. Warn others about him and drive him out of the family or the community. Please stop victimizing your child. Whether they get through this psychological damage or not will depend on how you handle the situation. Please have their backs and don’t let them down.

( I will be updating this list as more come to mind, so check back once in a while. If you have a more specific case, please feel free to email me because every child needs a customized approach.)

Father talking to his son

All of this is not about creating mistrust between parents and their child. (An excuse all children use, including myself). It’s about keeping them safe. As parents, you must look out for their safety, and this should not create any guilt in you. Like I said before, they can be independent as long as they earn your trust and have proven to be smart in their decisions.

The key lesson here is to instill balance in their lives. Yes, they can watch movies, but they need to be age appropriate. They can play video games, but there needs to be limit. We make a huge mistake by assuming our children have become responsible before their mental capability allows them to. Teaching them responsibility and believing they have become accountable are two different things. Similarly, just because you don’t teach them about sex and assuming they know enough not to indulge in it, are two different things.

Sex Education

Will you trust your kid with a car if he does not know how to drive it? We won’t do it because he could get into an accident. So what do we do? We teach them the rules; we tell them what we can or cannot do. More importantly, we show them how to be safe and what obstacles to avoid. Why don’t we treat issues relating to sex in the same manner? An excellent article that outlines this is Teaching your kids about sex dos and donts.

Please open your eyes and admit there is a dating culture in Pakistan. We are all human, and we are bound to have feelings for another person. There are two things you can do, either educate your children about such things or send them naively in a world where they can be misused in the name of sex. You need to talk to your children about it. If you don’t, they will find someone, most likely a friend, who will misguide them. And this is not their fault; it’s yours because the responsibility lies with you.

Lastly, I have been overwhelmed by the response I got in the past few weeks, and I’m glad to see the initiative people have taken towards my blog. The whole purpose was to create more awareness through good influences that can come from anywhere. But we still have a long way to go. I am even more grateful to see our neighbors across the border equally supportive and actively involved in this blog. I hope to receive your continued support.

Thank you for reading.

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